What kind of Christian am i ?

October 8, 2012

What kind of Christian am I ?

This was the question that my mentor Rick, asked me during one of our bible meetings. It’s a question that at first does not really relay the importance of the meaning of the question. I remember writing the question and that was it. Days later when I remember that I had to write about it I started it to ponder it and  the more I asked myself  that question the more I did not knew what the answer was… 

I did not ask my mentor for an example nor did i wanted it to know. it was an odd question one that perhaps i have heard before but not really paid attention to. i started to look deep into my soul, my actions, my words, my sins, my successes and my many many disappointments. the more i look the more i became disgusted with the person that i saw, how can i have left my self get so low, how was it possible that i have renounce Christ so many times ( meaning when i commit sins instead of doing whats right) when he give his life for my salvation. i did not wanted it to write this paper, however when i sat down and discuss this with my wife something came over me and i started it to remember all the things i used to do when i was a kid for God. ( or should i say all the things that my mom made me do because most of the time i did not wanted it to do them ) 

I remember when i was little i was very sick i had heart issues and my mom ask for saint martin de porres ( st martin of the poor as i have heard some people mention him ) intercession and promise that if was healed of my heart issues, that my mom would dress me to look like st martin de porres for a couple of years for thanksgiving for the favor received. well i did get better and i did ended up getting dress like st martin for a while. i also remember that used to participate in the town local festivities in honor of the blessed mother and st Joseph and i used to play the part of st Joseph. also during holy week i used to play in the passion of Christ as an apostle, i don't remember who i was but i remember being there in church participating in the last supper and all of that.

when i was 7 or 8 yrs old i started it attending Eucharistic adoration of the blessed Sacrament. my brother and i were regular attendants. we attended for so many years that my bro and i became sort of like leaders of the group, assisting the new guys coming in and helping to learn the prayers. the first few years i did not like it at all. we would have to go once a month on Saturday and spent all night Saturday from 7pm till 7 am in church praying. the latter years i do miss much now that i think about it, there were Manny good times there. last time i attended i was 14 yrs old. 

fast forward 14 yrs latter, i meet my wife when i was 20-21 yrs old. sorry honey if you are reading this, you know i suck at remembering anniversary dates... we spent many years both far away from church but in touch with God if that makes any sense to you. think of it like we used to pray when there was something bad going on but were not attending mass or doing any worship services. we even explore the protestant services once and watched many on television for many years. finally about when i turned 28 yrs old or so i remember getting kick in the gut and having the same feeling that i have today as i ask my self this question. What kind of Christian am I ?

however when i was 28 it was more of God calling my name and me feeling pull in his direction. i did not knew why but i decided to follow him. slowly but surely i begging to drag my wife and 5 kids to mass on Sundays. it was a mess i hated it Sundays because i wanted to be at mass in peace but by the time i got to church i was so pissed because the kids did not wanted to get up, they all wanted to shower at the last minute, we were late, the kids couldn't or not wanted it to find their clothes, i guess it was their way of saying we don't want to do this. my wife raised her kids before i meet them without having God as a priority in their life. so i can looking back now understand why it was such a mess on Sunday. plus I'm talking of dealing with kids ages 13 to 18 yrs old or so. finally after a year or two things were much smoother and i remember being able to received more from mass every time we went. not much changed for a while, we pray as a family every once in a while, at dinners too. but things were slow to changed. however i was changing more faster than what i could see. 

soon i was praying more, was happy more, was at peace more. difficult situations did not seem to disturbed me to much. i knew God was in control all thru out. i would fall here and there but i would get up much faster too. i attended bible study, i volunteer in church, i did what i could to help other people that need it help. ( i wont go into detail because God said don't let your left hand know what the right is doing ) and remember feeling good when helping others. my attitude changed, my purposed on life was clear and my life was fuller. my mission was to serve my Lord, my family and my church... 

now fast forward 5 yrs to where i am today, a lot has happen i remain faithful to continue to know about God, His truth and his word. alot has happen and my faith has been tested time and time again and i have grown weaker in my faith, my prayer life, my commitment to God. raising teenagers, young adults and now grand kids ( at 33 yrs old ) has not been easy. so many times i have ask my self whether i really understand what is God purposed in my life, i don't question whether God is right or wrong i question whether i listen to Him correctly or not. i question whether im a good dad, a good husband,  a good friend to my wife and a good son to my parents and a good brother to my siblings. i read somewhere once that st mother Theresa of Calcutta had some of my same struggles, some days she did not wanted to pray, she did not felt happy, or joyful, perhaps may be she felt lost like i do. however i remain puzzle at the fact that day in and day out she was able to carry her mission despite how she was feeling that day. 

knowing this about her gives me a great deal of hope, i am not alone there are others like me, but overall God is there for me i just have to make one choice, one action one word that would set me once and for all on the right path and that word is,YES to Christ! but on the other hand i let my feelings dictate what i do everyday if im joyful im on fire for God, if i am sad i don't really want to do anything like work, or pray or go to mass. i know that when im sad i should look for God more, i should want to be in His presence more not to want to leave his site. one thing is for sure, despite how much i talk smack about throwing the towel i really don't want it to. i love God, i love my family and my grand kids have giving me a whole different perspective on life, that is some of the stuff that helps to push me forward more everyday. i know that God has great things in store for me and my family, i have seen some of this things, God has spoken to me but like He says in the scriptures i am a man of little faith... 

so what kind of christian am i ? well the shortest answer would be i am a WIP. ( work in progress) Christian that is in a journey to learning how to let go and LET GOD! 

God bless you brothers...